First love taboo

Im at the Amul Chocolate stage. I'm too young to think the way my parents do, and too old to think the way my teenage brothers do, but I think its that unique in-between stage where I can understand both points of view. I've done all the same things as a teenager, and come to think of it, I would probably tell my kids the same things my parents told me. Which is all very vague unless you know what I'm talking about of course.

Ive come to the conclusion that the Indian society is ahead of most others in bringing up children at the early stage of life, teaching them the basics about right and wrong, and respect for elders, fear of God, the importance of family and the necessity of hard work. However, there is a serious gap in our understanding of the growing years. It's almost as though we expect children to go from being delightful little toddlers to mature adults with nothing in between. We ignore the issues of adolescence, and in this we undo whatever we have done in teaching our children whilst they were as yet children.

And we in India definately do not believe in love or feelings until we are past the legal age and financially secure. We completely ignore that stage of life where boys discover girls and girls discover boys. We dont teach adolescents how to deal with the real world, how to accept and handle feelings in a mature and acceptable manner. As soon as children start to grow up and have feelings for members of the opposite sex, instead of giving them a safe and healthy alternative to exploring these and understanding them, we immediately shut down all support systems, and tell them its wrong, its not the right time, this is not the 'way to behave'. The fact is that its a natural part of growing up, and we should not be making them feel guilty about having feelings. Instead, we should be telling them its normal, and providing them with the right emotional tools to make the decision about what to do with their feelings. It is the responsibility of adults to make children understand the importance of a healthy relationship, to define the parameters of what is acceptable expression of emotion, to teach adolescents how to handle their feelings with respect to their lives and society.

Every one of us had to hide our first boyfriend or girlfriend - because we knew what our parents would say and we wanted to avoid the conflict and the dissappointment that it would bring them. But the thing is we went ahead and did it anyway, because to experiment with feelings is a very important part of life's lessons. Its as important as learning to talk or learning to read. We couldn't deny our feelings because at the time it was too important to us, and this is natural of that age, and backed by physiological hormone changes. However, the situation it put us in was that of choosing between our feelings and our parents. So while it is difficult enough to deal with adolescent love and infatuation, there was an additional stress of dealing with parents, fabricating stories to keep them happy, and the fear of consequences.

The whole thing to me is a little warped. I dont think that allowing children to date from the age of twelve is the answer, but i do think that its time we recognised the fact that emotions, feelings and teenage relationships are a part of growing up. Its unfair to expect kids who are as yet immature, who are just learning about their own identity, who are just realising that there is a larger world around them to conform to a system that doesnt not recognise what is natural to growing up. We as a society are a failure in terms of fulfilling our adult role with respect to the teen years of our children.

I may do the same thing to my kids - force them to hide their first relationships and consequently leave them to deal with the pain of first break ups alone. I may choose to be completely oblivious to their emotional discoveries, and believe that because I have forbid them to indulge in 'such things' that they will be 'good children' and not make the mistakes that the heart makes. Then again, I know I have much to offer. Maybe if I leave the door open, I can guide their choices, clear a little bit of thier confusion, protect them by knowing what they do rather than forcing them to do it in hiding. Maybe I'll stay as young at heart and remember my first boyfriend. But maybe I'll have to come back and read this again, just to remind me. Maybe.